Excitingly enough for my husband and I, we were planning this baby (for the most part). As many people know, not everything goes according to plan. Not to mention, sometimes we make plans never expecting them to ever really happen to us. The moment I saw that positive test I immediately ran to the store to buy 5-50 more tests just to be sure. I didn't actually believe it. After 100 more tests or so I still thought:
No way.
Yes way. We were pregnant! I couldn't wait to tell Corey. We knew that soon after we were married we wanted to start our family. It was all happening for us, and so very quickly.
I had this idea in my head that pregnancy was going to be this amazing experience with nothing but happiness and ice cream and that "glow" you always hear about. I was finally going to eat all the carbs I wanted and love it. No more calorie counting and scale watching for me! I was going to have a cute little bump and still wear normal human clothes. I expected this:
As it turns out, for me pregnancy feels a lot more like this (sans cigarette - probably replace it with an apple fritter):
I have always struggled with my body image. Only a few people very close to me really saw the true extent of it. No one is allowed to talk about body image, eating disorders, self-esteem. It is a very taboo subject. If you express it publicly you are branded as that person seeking "attention". So many people who struggle with these issues, struggle silently for that reason. You worry enough about what everyone might be thinking about how you look. Your self-esteem can't manage someone who think's something is wrong with you emotionally too. Some of those women you see who come off as so strong, beautiful and confident struggle more than they let on. If you can't feel good about yourself, the best you can do is make the world see someone who does. To those women who's arch nemesis and uncontrollable addiction all rolled up into one is their bathroom scale, you can relate to this feeling. I was prepared for the fact that I might struggle with the weight gain a little bit, but truly nothing prepares you for the roller coaster ride of emotions that pregnancy puts you through.
With pregnancy the social norm is to not let these things bother you. You hear "your pregnant! Don't worry about it!" or "You look great, for someone who is 6 months pregnant" my favorite is "sure your butt looks bigger, but it's good for the baby!".
This change in your body is so difficult for someone who can hardly handle seeing the scale up one pound. I spend an endless amount of time in front of my bathroom mirror examining these changes pathetically from day-to-day. I swear I never knew it was possible to love and hate my body at the exact same time. I look at my growing belly and I truly do feel that it is beautiful. I love the little boy growing and kicking inside, but I can't fight the thoughts of what will this look like once the baby is here? Will my beautiful bump be nothing more than a flabby mess?
The trouble with pregnancy is dealing with all of those raging hormones responsible for growing your beautiful baby. They wreak havoc on your emotions. One minute you don't care one bit about how much you ate today. Blizzards are buy one get one free at DQ. Get me there, NOW. The next minute this is you after you get home only to find out that your blizzard has semi-melted:
Some of us are lucky enough to have husbands who love and support them through this process. Love and support my husband gives. Endlessly. Patience for a woman constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown over melted ice cream? Not so much.
The unsolicited advice from friends (and complete strangers) is endless. Granted, some of it is helpful, sure. In truth, most of it is just plain annoying. From the nurse who told me to "hit the gym and stop eating so many carbs" to the comments from people about how they lost the baby weight. With history working in the health/wellness/medical research field I am well aware of how to eat right, stay healthy, lose weight and do so in a positive way. The fact is, my experience working with people one-on-one in their weight loss journey is that it is not so much about knowing how to get there, it's getting past those emotional barriers that keep you from being successful.
For example, exercise has never been a chore for me in the past. I have always enjoyed working up a sweat at the gym (when given enough time!). However, since becoming pregnant my gym experience looks more like this:
I have always pushed myself beyond my limits when it came to exercise. I only enjoyed yoga that was extra-hot and extra-intense. Pregnancy put a stop to that. As a runner, distance was never my strength. For some people running comes easily to them. I enjoy running, but it was definitely not my God given gift. I did it because I liked to push myself. So, when I was training for a run: it. was. hard. I also struggle with perfectionism. I hate to do things that I am bad at. The minute exercise became a chore for me that was too difficult, I wanted to give up. All that extra blood volume means your body needs more oxygen to function at the same level as it did before. That extra weight you carry around? Well that adds another element of difficulty. Not to mention you are carrying a life in there. You can't exactly push yourself to the point of exhaustion without endangering the life of your child. So where did this leave me?
Yup. Looks about right.
At the end of the day, I am truly blessed and beyond happy to be pregnant. I love my baby boy more than I ever thought I could love anything, and he isn't even here yet. Just the other day my husband says to me "you really haven't complained much during the pregnancy, I expected much worse". It got me thinking about how truly lucky I am to be pregnant and to have had such a relatively speaking "easy" time. However, I sometimes live in so much fear of being the complainer that I never really talk about the struggles that pregnancy really brings.
Why don't women feel more comfortable talking about the less glamorous side of pregnancy? Pregnancy is often glorified as this magical time in which you can eat whatever you want and sleep all day. Why do we feel like we have to walk around like everything is all rainbows and sunshine? The fact is, pregnancy is uncomfortable.
Nothing fits (comfortably). I spend a decent amount of time in my closet staring at all of my pre-pregnancy clothes wondering if they will ever be worn again. I miss them so! I swear if I can just fit into my old jeans I will never complain again!!!
You spend endless amounts of money on new clothes, praying that they wont fit for very long.
I've needed a new bra every month for the last 6 months.
I pee every 20 minutes.
I haven't slept through and entire night for months.
I miss lying on my stomach. And on my back.
After eating even a normal amount of food I feel so full that I might throw up. Due to the fact that there is now little to no room left inside my abdomen for my stomach to expand.
I rarely eat only a normal amount of food.
Speaking of that jam packed abdomen, breathing has also become somewhat of a challenge.
My feet have swollen to the point that flip-flops are the only comfortable shoe option. Not so great given my limited wardrobe options. Mostly I just look like a slob every day of the week.
My carbohydrate cravings are insatiable. Mostly ice cream.
I am an emotional wreck 95% of the time. TV commercials make me cry.
Every day normal activities are exhausting. I am tired by 3 pm.
I will spare you the remaining uncomfortable details, but just so were being honest, it's not pretty.
