City Survival Guide: Postgrad Edition

Moving here from small town wannabe big city Madison has been quite the transition. Even in comparison to Milwaukee, the dirtiest little city I have ever seen, Minneapolis is a whole new world. Now I know it is no New York, LA or Chicago but this is honestly all the city I will ever need right here. I never thought I would admit this, but as I get older I may actually prefer suburban small town life. Anyway, here are a few things that I have learned so far through my journey:

1. Always carry quarters! From parking meters and laundry to vending machines and my personal favorite: using a bag of rolled quarters as a defense mechanism when being chased through a dark alley.

2. Don't call a cab if you don't know where you are going. Trust me, they don't know either. Any experience I have had so far with cab drivers is that they will pretend they know where they are going until you point out that they have been driving around in a circle with the meter running. You are better off using those quarters for parking, because like a mouse expects a glass of milk with his cookie, that incompetent cab driver will make it clear that he expects a tip after getting you lost and dropping you off at some random street corner downtown.

3. Starbucks Card is golden. If you are everything-intolerant like me free soy milk is almost as good as pumpkin spice lattes are delicious. 70 cents is 70 cents is all I'm saying.

4. Never, ever, EVER let anyone including that annoying cashier or A&F floor model (sorry friends) talk you into that store credit card. I let some snob at Gap talk me into destroying my will power one $10 off coupon at a time to the tune of 23% interest. All I get out of the deal is the guilt of wearing clothes hand stiched by homeless children in Taiwan.

5. You can run but you can't hide.... from your student loans. The only logical option? Go back to school and defer payment. Whats that? You thought your salary was going to add up to a whole lot more than you actually end up with every month? Yeah, me too. Turns out if you try to do the right thing, work hard, get a degree, and get a job after graduation all of that effort will just be punished with $500 monthly payments to your private student loans that you OBVIOUSLY cannot afford. Get your head out of the clouds, bankruptcy isn't an option, student loans will never be forgiven. Guess you really will have to get that THIRD job waiting tables at Applebees across the street. Who needs free-time, or sleep for that matter?

6. If you want to look like you are someone important, pretend to be texting (aka sending a "very important email") on your cell phone as you walk down the street. Don't worry about watching where you are going. If you are on your phone people know you mean business and will definitely get out of your way. There is only enough room for important people on the sidewalk. If you don't have important business to attend to, walk in the street. Honestly.

7. No one wants to finance a personal loan to a 23-year-old recent graduate with a sub par credit score. Not like I am trying to earn an honest living or anything. If I have learned anything from these banks, it is that I am basically useless. Everyone wants to give out private student loans, but no one wants to consolidate or refinance them. Good luck future students.

8. If you are ever having a bad day, do not, I REPEAT, do not go out and cut your hair thinking "a change will definitely make me feel better". That is false. You will hate your new haircut for the rest of the long and painful months that it takes for it to grow back.

9. More to come.